The Blog

During my Christmas break, while I was at home, I had a week where I was at home with my family and my friends, my home church, my old stomping grounds. I thought, “Oh I got this.” And I as I was praying and asking God to give me a word for girls in Fresh fire, for a Bible Study. God spoke to me big time, and he asked me how desperate I was for him. As I pushed the question to the side, trying to think of other topics and such, the question would not go away. So I looked up the definition of desperate and one was “having an urgent need or desire.” I started to pray and think about it. How desperate was I truly for God? As I came up with answers I realized I was not desperate for God at all. I asked myself, do I have an urgent need or desire to draw closer to God? And at the moment my answer was no. Sad I know, but that was the honest truth I was not desperate for God to move in my life, I did not have an urgent need for Him to change me and transform my life, I thought I had it all going on.

Although that was only a couple weeks ago, I forgot about it. It came back up this week and as I was thinking about all of that I remembered that last month I was reading “the love book” Songs of Songs and a part in the scripture, chapter 3 talks about when the young women had lost her love. She woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone, she became frantic. She got up and she searched the city in the middle of the night, looking for him. Asking the watchmen, if they had seen her love. They had not seen him, but she kept looking until she found him, and when she found him…she hugged him and embraced him until they got home.

At that moment I got SO convicted! Just comparing the young women to myself, imagine if I were to search for God like that? Would I go into the city searching for God frantically until I found him? Would I even notice He was not there, or would I be immune to God not being in my heart that I did not even notice when he left. I felt so guilty because time after time, when I cannot find my phone or ipod I’m searching the house up and down, looking in the car once, twice, three times to find it. I don’t give up until I find it. But when it comes to finding God, if I cannot “feel” him in the first 5 minutes of my prayer time, I give up and say oh God is not there, he isn’t listening.

So I ask, how desperate are you for God to do something in your life? Are you franticly looking and searching for God, or do you even notice that He is not a part of your life? And when you find Him, are you going to hold on, or just let Him go again? This made me realize that I am NOTHING without God. NOTHING. No matter how many friends I may have, or how long I can pray…if I am not in urgent need or despair for God to do something inside of me every single day, I will become content in my walk with God. That is just something I am not ok with.

So I am striving to be desperate for him, to be vulnerable to God. In search for him, everyday! Desperate to draw near Him. I encourage you to search your heart and see how you would react in the situation of loosing God? How desperate would you be to find the love of your life…GOD?

-Ariel Siufua